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Bailey was a good dog  
01:43am 23/07/2015
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
When we got Bailey she was a few weeks old with her black and white-peppered sister, Lucy. Immediately there would be favoritism, with Lucy being the pretty, dainty sister, and Bailey being the too-loud, attention-seeking sister. That isn't to say Lucy wasn't ridiculously stubborn, she was just quieter about it and had everyone fooled who didn't live with her or visit frequently.

Bailey was intended for a close friend, Donita, who had paid her share for the dog, and my mother had agreed to pick both up while on her way to retrieve Lucy.

The dogs wrestled and tumbled the way puppies do, but Mom and I were glad to have a quieter house when Donita came for her. The quiet would soon be rectified with the two cats we would get, Calliope and Cricket, but that's another story.

Fast forward many months or a year, I don't remember, and Donita had obtained a house where her grown daughters and many grandchildren would eventually reside through long and winding circumstances. While Donita was kind and giving to her friends, she wasn't a disciplinarian to children. This was something of which Mom and I were aware, but the fact became pronounced when we visited Donita's new house. We witnessed Donita's oldest grandchild of the youngest daughter, hitting his two-year-old brother with plastic toys without reprimand.

Little, pale-black Levi screaming in terror of his bulky, white older brother wasn't something we could help in a single visit. But, the seven-year-old daughter of one of Donita's other daughters screaming and kicking at Bailey was. Bailey had been caged in the same black wire crate she was placed in when she had been nearly a newborn. Donita had also been denying food, giving her three cups of dog food a day and no more. Bailey was not visibly malnourished, but she was still due to grow and Donita showed no indication of caring that her grandchildren were abusing the sweet-natured dog who couldn't, and wouldn't fight back.

Mom demanded Bailey be returned. Donita was not pleased with this breach in friendship, but admitted she had no time or patience to care for a dog. We retrieved the dog soon after what would be my last visit to Donita's home.

When Bailey entered our household again, she was a mess.

She cowered and was very aware of where our hands were at any given moment. Any sudden movements would prompt her to run under the coffee table or roll onto her back. She would whimper and scream if we pulled at her collar with any amount of force to put her outside. She jumped at sudden noises and especially any raise in voice, no matter how loud. For a short while she would pee if frightened enough, although she quickly learned to control herself.

Her aggression was taken out on Lucy. Once she had free-range of food she consumed and consumed and consumed, refusing to allow Lucy to eat regardless if Bailey had been eating at the time or not.

We guarded Lucy to allow her to eat. Bailey learned that when we were in the room she had to allow Lucy to eat, or get a smack to the nose.

Lucy, who had never had such an opponent for the food bowl didn't know what to do. She rarely fought back with force, and lost a lot of weight the first weeks of Bailey's return. Lucy had always been much smaller than Bailey, who was wide-shouldered with a large rib-cage. Even without a proper diet, Bailey could use her weight to dog-handle Lucy anywhere she wanted.

During their play-fights, Bailey started getting more violent as she gained strength. When we discovered Lucy's ears were bleeding from being chewed, we separated the dogs from their large, shared crate and started monitoring their wrestling.

Things got better.

Although Bailey would flinch for the rest of her life, she stopped hurting Lucy purposely, and Lucy learned to assert herself. Bailey learned to share the food bowl. She never quite learned how to share cuddle space with either me, Mom and Lucy, and the couch would become a war zone if we tried to pet only one dog.

Between two young cats, two young dogs, and a period where we fostered a third cat, the house became a little too lively for my aging mother. I was away at college and wasn't home to help, and we had saved Bailey with the intention of finding her a proper home.

Bailey would be given away to the coworkers of my mother, who had a small daughter.

This ended being the best thing for Bailey.

The marriage ended in flames and spite, but for the period Bailey was the sole pet of the daughter, she was properly trained and put on a proper diet (She had grown very fat). Sometimes we would dog-sit when the family went on vacation. Bailey and Lucy would play in an easy-going way that allowed us to leave them in each other's company.

Despite initial worry that Bailey would harbor animosity toward small children, the daughter and Bailey loved each other deeply and would be the best of friends. It broke my mother's heart when the eventually-divorced couple agreed to return Bailey so there wasn't any fighting over the poor dog. The girl was devastated. There was nothing we could do.

For the first few weeks Bailey was clearly waiting for her old family, but as months passed she re-settled into our home. By then, the cats had long run away, never to be heard from again, and Lucy and Bailey became fat, lazy dogs as the years passed.

Last year, 2014, while I was away in the military, Lucy became very ill. She had been given a heart worm medicine that caused kidney failure. The Dr. Brester at Bean Blossom Animal Clinic hadn't a single clue. By the time Mom realized the cause, Lucy was in the final stages of kidney failure and there was no hope to save her. Everyone mourned Lucy, the pretty, sweet-natured dog who had always been the favorite. Bailey also mourned, but helped Mom get through the worst of heartache by being the happy puppy she'd always been.

This year, 2015, Mom became concerned when Bailey began eating less and less (As noted, she had always been a healthy eater and this was very concerning). Dr. Brester said Bailey had cancer of the mouth, was likely the long-term cause of Bailey's horrible breath and was probably causing her pain to chew hard food. Lab tests would have to be done to be 100% sure, but Dr. Brester is very knowledgeable and experienced, and he said he had seen Bailey's ailment before.

Bailey initially seemed mostly fine, but mere weeks after her diagnoses, she began eating even less, losing weight rapidly. She could eat soft food and happily accepted eggs until her final days. She couldn't keep the food down and began vomiting frequently, only drinking little sips of water. She began trembling in pain, unwilling to move very much except for short walks to use the bathroom before she became exhausted and collapsed.

When we took her back to Dr. Brester, Mom said she didn't want Bailey to suffer the way Lucy had, and we had Bailey put down. We held her and whispered to her in her final moments, and I hope that she understood we didn't want her to be scared and that we loved her.
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(no subject)  
06:22pm 18/04/2015
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Track List

01. Needing/Getting - Ok Go
02. Bullet - Hollywood Undead
03. Acid Rain - Robert Delong
04. You're the One that I Want - Lo-Fang
05. Ribs - Lorde
06. I Do Adore - Mindy Glendell
07. Riptide - Vance Joy
08. My Body - Volbeat
09. Bad Apple! - Rockleetist / Ashe english cover
10. Stolen Dance - Milky Chance
11. Mac n' Cheese - sssShawnnnn
12. The End of All Things - Panic! At the Disco
13. Timber - Ke$ha/Pitbull
14. Shake it Off - Taylor Swift
15. Genesis - Forgive Durden
16. Come and Get It - Selena Gomez
17. Kill Your Heroes - Awolnation
18. Can't Repeat - The Offspring
19. Half-Truism - The Offspring
20. Spitting Venom - Modest Mouse
21. Flashbacks - J Lima Foxtrot
22. Far Too Young to Die - Panic! At the Disco
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(no subject)  
02:22am 28/03/2015
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I'm out of the Navy now. It's been two years. I'm out on medical discharge.

Now I'm crashing on my Mom's couch, waiting for something amazing to happen.

Christ, I'm 27.

I don't feel like I've grown at all. I'm making tentative plans to go back to school. We'll see how that goes.

Today I made apple, mango chicken with spinach and green onion. It was very good.
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05:54pm 13/12/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Woman is taking care of this girl, but in a very possessive, controlling way. The woman has been murdering well-dressed passerby for their clothes. Often she'll rape the victims in front of the girl.

The woman disposes of the bodies by cutting them into bits, grinding them and feeding them to the pigs. The bits she can't grind she puts in a hay baler.

There's a scene where she's asking a neighboring farmer how the baler works, telling him she's deciding if she's fit enough to grow hay. The pallet he's baling onto can read weight, and he stops to check. He's confused because the pallet reads as having a person standing on it. The farmers shrug out off as a glitch.

The girl finally makes a friend. The friend picks up on what's happening but doesn't say anything. The woman eventually realizes she knows and almost kills her, but the "daughter" is pregnant. The woman tells the girl she won't kill her it she successfully delivers the baby.

The girl does and is let go.

Fucked dream, I dunno.
tags: dreams
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(no subject)  
10:12pm 20/10/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Afraid things have not got much better.

On top of the depression I came home to buy a car, then a week later it was wrecked.

So I'm on my way back to Virginia without a car. There's not a lot to talk about otherwise.

I miss LJ. And having real life friends.
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(no subject)  
01:05pm 28/07/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
So. I've been sent to a ship and four months later I'm being sent home for a meltdown.

We've had a suicide, two attempted suicides, a pregnancy and myself being sent home for mental care. This ship is poisonous and keep hearing the same thing over and over, that it' the worst command.

So, I'm in Djibouti, Africa right now. We're leaving in a couple of days after two weeks. The base is on liberty lock down because of Somalian terrorist attacks so I haven't actually seen anything interesting.

The cool part of leaving the ship (Like, an actual fighty boat ship on the water) was the boat ride to the oiler ship. Oilers are super nice because they're ran by civilians even though they're owned by the Navy. Well, not all oilers. This oiler.

I was lowered about 30 feet into the ocean on what can be described as a life raft with an engine. Immediately the water was harsh, rocking and tossing the raft violently. I had to hold on a metal handle for dear life. But I could handle it at that point. Yes.

After the other passengers climbed from the ship onto the raft, we took off. What had been jerky waves felt like I was on a roller coaster. We were sent flying off five-foot swells, landing with a heavy flop and getting salt water in the face.

I screamed a couple of times.

I wish I could even properly describe how this felt. It was actually a lot of fun once I got used to it. After about 20 minutes I started getting motion sick.

We finally reached the oiler, and a rope ladder was thrown over the side for us to climb. The others shimmied right on up, then came my turn.

Again, I can't describe this. I had to be thrown onto the ladder because the swells would make it a good three-foot climb when the water sank. Once I was holding onto the ladder though, I realized that every movement sent the ladder swinging outward, away from the body of the ship

I was terrified.

I've never felt so heavy. It took me a good 10 minutes to climb 10 feet. I had remained reasonably dry on the boat until I was on that ladder, getting hit with waves directly and swinging with the imminent threat that I was going to fall into a body of water and immediately be dragged underneath.

Anyway. I got my own stateroom on the oiler, which was kind of rad. Staterooms are normally for officers. The food was pretty good too.

Then my escort and I found out that while the others were getting civilian flights as soon as we arrived in Djibouti, we were going to have to wait two weeks.

Thus another turd on the shitpile that I've experienced being in the military. Sigh.

For more important updates: I'm in the South Park fandom now ahahahahah.
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(no subject)  
10:15pm 12/05/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Currently about to get off leave. I've been visiting Mom for the last few days. Really, it's been quite pleasant.

About to go on a nine-month deployment. I could go on about some things but I don't have much energy for it. Most of my updates are through twitter. This journal is almost becoming inert (baww).
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(no subject)  
05:55am 24/02/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Dreamt last night that My Chemical Romance was giving a farewell concert called Welcome to the Black Parade: Truth in Death, or Speak the Truth, something like that.

People were so upset that someone stalked Gerard Way and murdered him. It was pretty gross too; The person (a man?) bashed him over the head with a shovel. The authorities caught on quickly though, so he had to abandon burying the body. The body was never found.

Fast forward 20 years - Gerard was so shocked that he's been wandering the earth in a daze, knowing something's wrong but no aware that he's dead. He wandered randomly; He ends up in a hospital in a Vietnamese community.

There was a pregnant woman asking for vinegar and milk, but she had to be rushed out because she was about to lose the baby but the hospital didn't have the facilities for a Caesarean section. She kept going on about how she wanted to save the baby under no circumstances, but she REALLY wanted vinegar and milk.

So Gerard's wandering around this hospital and runs into an older woman (Skinny, short, grey hair. Still kind of attractive despite easily being 60. We'll call her "Ellen" because she sort of looked like Ellen DeGeneres). She must have thought Gerard was a crack addict or something because they bump into each other and she just starts fucking with him. Like, going on about how she wants to sleep with him and is love with him. Gerard almost falls for it (This is how completely out of it he was; It was an extremely obvious ploy and rather cruel of her), until he realizes she's being a bitch and leaves.

Ellen has a good laugh, but realizes Gerard is nowhere in sight and left a light blue plasma trail when he left. She curses and starts trying to figure out who he was. Turns out she was like, one of those psychics police sometimes ask for, but she mostly tried to work alone.

Ellen had two male partners. They had found a 6-foot shallow grave with satellites and were trying to dig it up but hadn't been able to find it. Ellen shows up and her partners are getting frustrated and she just says, "Give it a second, I think I found -- oh, hello Gerard."

And lo, Gerard has appeared. The two men can't see him and one seems slightly more doubtful than the other (The doubtful one looked like Soos from Gravity Falls). Ellen keeps talking to Gerard, asking about the farewell concert. Gerard is intensely confused though and isn't really responding, just putting it together that he's at a gravesite. Ellen's watching him inspect the area and tells him that this is probably where he died. He's starting to vaguely remember.

Ellen asks him if he had stayed and watched the murder - it's probably why he's so confused. Gerard kind of freaks out then and grabs a shovel and starts unearthing a patch completely off the mark of the site. Sure enough, there's the body still wrapped in sheets and not very well-buried. Gerard isn't really understanding that it's him though and is just more upset.

Ellen says something must be more wrong because Gerard is a poltergeist, and Soos is kind of freaking out over this floating shovel (Which finally convinces him that this is real).

tags: dream
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(no subject)  
02:05pm 15/02/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Dreamt that Mom and I were on a beach and I fell asleep. When I woke Mom was panicking about something, and I was like, "Mom, calm down," but when I looked, the entire area was flooded. Like, to the roofs. I'm not sure how our little segment of beach wasn't flooded but it wasn't.

We decided we needed to get back to our house, but we were going to have to swim. We managed to make our way by crossing over the closer roofs, which is good because the water was filled with debris.

We got to our house but it was flooded and nothing was salvageable. Mom was worried about the dogs but there was nothing to be done. We could see further uphill wasn't flooded, but it was at least a couple of miles. For some reason the current was going uphill so I suggested we find something to float on and swim our way up. We were worried about sewage and debris and hesitated.

Then this family comes floating by and they're like, "We're going the same way, get on our pile. Right now all the water is pool water so it'll be fine for a while."

The current at some point goes in the wrong direction, so the family's really huge son has to grab onto a plank of wood embedded in the water to swing us around. It was very cartoonish. We all kind of bicker about how to change directions while the son is holding on for dear life and he's like, "Guys. The wood's breaking. What are we doing. Guys."

Then the dream changed. It was about Elsa and her mother (from Frozen), but they looked extremely similar to each other. In the dream they lived in an underwater castle. Elsa was magic and could curse people but chose to use her ice powers instead (I got that from Warrior U, I know I did). It turned out her mother was actually insane and was trying to kill her for ... a reason that I can't remember. They had been banished to the castle because they looked so alike, people were afraid Elsa would be the same as her mother.

Elsa and her mother were trying to navigate the flood but end up fighting. Elsa's mother locked Elsa in a room that was easy enough to get out of but Elsa didn't know where she was. Elsa's friends were waiting for her above the water, but the mother disguised herself to look like her daughter. Elsa's friends looked like South Park characters ... namely Kenny and Kyle. Kenny was suspicious but was killed before he could say anything. Stan catches on when he realizes it was Elsa's mother who killed Kenny and is like, "WE HAVE TO SAVE ELSA" and Kyle is like, "Sure, but how are we gonna get to her?"

There's still this massive flood. Elsa's mother laughs at their efforts but doesn't kill them because they're probably going to die anyway.

There was more to this dream but I just can't remember it. Like, an actual build-up to Elsa and her mother. Her mother had an actual neurological disorder that made her act erratically or something. I dunno. It was interesting.
tags: dreams
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(no subject)  
07:48pm 01/02/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Last night started with me mopily eating a hamburger and drinking a beer. A fellow sat with me at Pier 525 (Our base restaurant/bar) and we chatted a bit. Turns out he's in the barracks at which I'm the yeoman.

Anyway, I felt a little awkward so I finished my beer and went to the bar where I proceeded to drink two double-shots of rum and Coke, and a firebomb shot. I ate popcorn and texted my friends while I drank, trying to find someone to hang out with for the night. Turns out Nieves and Leon left last week, ruining my last chances to hang out with them. Leon revealed to me that he had been flirting and I told him "I'm oblivious to people's sexual advances until you're like, slapping me in the face with your dick."

Well. Now we know. I liked Leon but now he's in Virginia. Sigh.

Anway, I called Ari and was like "HAY GIRL I BEEN DRINKIN WANNA DRINK WIT ME" and she was like "lol no but we're going dancing later wanna come?" and I was like "HELL YEH GIRL call me whenever."

Ari and I had a long night and it was awesome.Collapse )
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(no subject)  
01:47am 25/01/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Hrm. I guess it's been two months since I last made a proper post. Here, anyway. I've been active daily over on tumblr. Actually, I just made a post over there lamenting the fact no one uses LJ anymore.

I'm still on hold at Great Lakes, and I've been yeoman over at the Hagl for three months. I graduated Hull Technician school Oct. 30, but I'm still on hold. They're telling me it's because of my student loans I'm not able to get a security clearance. It's been five months since I've been fucking with this. I'm calling bullshit.

There hasn't been much else going on. I went to a BDSM munch, which was interesting because I was nervous. Also I got lost in Chicago for four hours which was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, like wow.

Back in November, I officially moved fandoms. It only took five years, but I've been in the South Park fandom again and am having fun. I still like Hetalia, but Shingeki no Kyojin takes a long time to update, and Hetalia has ... well, I still like the history jokes when people make them, but it's just quieted down considerably.

So I just kind of dick around. This is my life in the military. I need to start studying for my advancement test in March. March will be a big month, I think:

  • Stick of Truth is coming out

  • I'll be 26

  • Advancement test to get a higher rank

  • Physical Requirement Test (PRT)

  • I think I'll be getting a new tattoo, from a commission from this guy.

A $250 commission. I'm actually extremely excited.

I need to lose 10-20 lbs again. I got fat because I got pneumonia and didn't work out but still ate like a pig. This needs to happen by PRT time.

So. Yeah. Not a lot going on. Mom's been whiny lately. I'm trying to be patient. I don't know what she's going to do when I'm not only four hours away and my cellphone won't work most of the time.

Actually there's been a little angst about that; I called her bullshit on wishing I was home. She went on to tell me that she always told me I needed to leave because she thought I might be happier living somewhere else.

She's been telling me to leave the house since I was 10.

"What makes you think that there was any difference when you said this to a 10-year-old and when you said it to a 23-year-old? It was the same, Mom. You were telling me you didn't want me around. How am I supposed to differentiate, and now you keep saying how you miss me and want me around? This is really confusing for me."

She gave me some bullshit and I just let it go. Not really. I'm sort of bitter because it's just so stupid. I've never thought my mother was stupid, but that was so fucking stupid.

Anyway. See ya around.
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Matty's Adventures In the Fur Fandom  
07:47pm 24/11/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I went to a furry convention this weekend (MWFF)!

Disclaimer: I'm not actually a furry, but I really like fandoms, and I've enjoyed furry stuff in the past, so a convention wasn't that large of a leap.

There's not much to say other than furries know how to party like wow so much drinking. Very alcohol. Much drunk.

Also, furries are way over-sexed, and I felt like I was at a gay pride festival. I told Kiniel, "Man, if I were a twink I'd get all the sex I'd want but .... I'm not."

He laughed and said, "I don't know if I should apologize for that or not."

I shouldn't complain though because I had half a hook up, but we were both pretty drunk and ... well, we messed around in the bathroom while someone was in the shower puking (Which turned out to be Crackers) ... which makes an interesting story, but wasn't exactly a good time be horny.

I was welcomed into Kiniel's group of friends, and he commented several times he was glad that I fit in, despite not being a furry.

I chose a skunk as my fursona. She's very cute. CJ drew her for me.

I also got to wear a partial fursuit which was certainly an experience. It smells funny in the head, but the hand-paws are fun to play with and I like being able to choose if it's a speaking-character or not. It's surprisingly easy to convey emotions without talking, because your gestures are so exaggerated due to the largeness of the suit.

I'm extremely upset that I lost a picture in the art auction that was supposed to be a present for Meghan. It was an original of two praying mantises having a tea party, and the female mantis was eating the male's head. I told Meghan about it and she LOVED the idea, which made it like, 100% worse that I lost the bid. It went from $15 to $30 though, and I didn't want to spend more than $20. I ended up buying Meghan a cat sticker and a fox plushie.

I guess my only real complaint for the weekend is that the area was expensive as hell, mainly food. Good food, but still expensive.

So I would totally go to another con, and look forward to it. I'm seriously considering buying a partial fursuit, but it'll have to wait a few years. Until then, I'll settle for commissioning name badges and borrowing people's heads.
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I'm angry. Like. In a deeply rooted, righteous way.  
06:50pm 02/11/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
It wouldn't be so bad if the complete lack of respect show toward me hadn't happened three separate, unrelated instances. Part of me is like, "Well, I didn't say NO hard enough. I didn't speak up." but the thing is I did.

I remembered that I'm experiencing the typical reaction of victim self-blaming and realized it's okay for me to be angry.

So. I've had two hook-ups and a train ride experience. I've learned. I can't let men get away with being pushy and demanding and completely disrespecting me.

I had to learn through three violations but now I REALLY understand how little men respect women, however subtle their actions may be.Collapse )
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11:11pm 07/10/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Today I cut a flange during HT/welding/torch class. It looked like crap but it's my first one. The sides mostly looked right it was just messy and uneven.

Chief: Yeah?
Me: *points to the poor abused metal that is my flange* So... what exactly are you looking for here? Because this is beyond...
Chief: *observes the pathetic melted mess of metal* *grins* Well I'm looking for a flange.
Me: *laughing* Something that looks like flange?

He proceeded to tell me that I was using the wrong file and my holes just needed to be able to fit over the dummy flange.

It's been a rough couple of weeks emotionally. I'm just tired of the military environment. Every day has its own challenges I guess.

I kind of go nuts during watches. I always have the midnight watches so I can sing and dance to my heart's content to keep from going insane.

I've never been so dependent on music to get me through the days. Most of the time I'm mentally in left field, ignoring my surroundings.

I told Meghan today I think my 'real' personality has been coming out more than it usually does out of the desperation not to feel so suppressed. In a way, it's a good filter for people because people either find me obnoxious or funny.

I've never been told I'm funny so many times in my life.

There's stuff with the government shutdown but I don't feel like getting into it.

If you're ready come and get it
na na na na na, na na na na na

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(no subject)  
10:10pm 09/09/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I'm into Attack on Titan the way I was into Fullmetal Alchemist so many years ago... but the whole fandom is on tumblr and that makes me sad :(
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(no subject)  
12:49am 31/08/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
More Boot Camp People

I left Indiana with Bau and Benjamin, went to the same division, and graduated with them. Bau was one of the people I latched onto and we were okay "friends" during our time together. I think I actually liked Benjamin better, but we didn't talk a lot until the end.

Bau was from the rougher parts of Indianapolis.Collapse )
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Guess what I did  
11:43am 27/07/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic

This actually wasn't what I wanted for my first tattoo, but the other one needs some tweaking because of the way the image will look on my skin.

More about people from the Navy

My current roommates are Price, Albaverauribe (Alba for short, pronounced "Alba-vera-you-ree-beh"), and Meoli, who graduated yesterday and is now gone.

My opinions on all of them have basically reversed since I've lived with them. Initially I found Alba to be the most annoying, Meoli the most helpful, and Price the most personable.

People! So many people.Collapse )
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In the Navy (obvious joke here)  
04:34pm 24/07/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
So I've been out of boot camp for 12 days and I'm settling into A-school life. I'll be here for at least four months, because I've been put on hold for three weeks, and expect to be on hold again at some point.

I kept a journal for six weeks about boot camp life. Alex read it, saying he wished there was more "day to day" stuff but there wasn't much to talk about.

All in all it was a lot easier than anticipated. Still, it was about what I expected, but much more relaxed than I ever imagined. At the same time, life was restrictive; we had to ask for everything, except when our RDCs (Recruit Division Commanders) yelled at us to do things our damn selves.

I befriended a few people, but most of us have gone our separate ways for school. We are all in "student" status.

I had two bunkmates during boot camp; My first was Shelby Milsap, or just "Milsap" (Geeze, it feels weird calling her by her first name).

Whether or not she's a lesbian is still up for debate, but she had something hot and heavy with Miller, or maybe they were just good friends, I'm still unsure.

People are people and that"s still okay [sometimes]Collapse )
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In the Navy  
03:05am 12/05/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I'll be leaving for Navy boot camp in three days.

I'm nervous and excited as all hell.

So, not that there's anyone really on LJ anymore, but I won't be around for the next two months.

Wish me luck and stuff. Maybe I'll try to write an account of boot camp afterwards.

I just hope everything works out the way I want it t.
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(no subject)  
04:45pm 03/04/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic

Coworker was just saying to me, "You joined the locker room," referring that I'm in on their slightly more inappropriate work jokes.

I said, "That's how it's always been. I've always been one of the boys. As a general rule I don't understand women and their interests. My girlfriends; Just like me."

Then I backpedaled in my head in thought, 'Gosh that was awfully sexist of you.'

But it's true. The older women in my family seem to have two interests: Talking shit about people, and sewing/homemaking hobbies.

I like sewing but it's too easy for me.

Most of the females in my life seem to take great pleasure in gossiping and being in the middle of dramatics. Actually, moving to this rural community, the women I've met have been the least dramatic, mean and gossipy I've ever met. I'm also an outsider and they're probably not inclined to drag me into their personal lives unless I made the effort to be more personal.

So that's my experience with women: Hobbies I'm not extremely interested in, and meanness.

My best girlfriends have similar hobbies to mine (gaming, writing, art, fantasy in some capacity) or are at least not malicious (Because I've been good friends with people of whom I shouldn't be interested, by all accounts).

I have a hard time breaking down "I'm like this because" and "I'm friends with these people because" because I tend to fall onto gender stereotypes. I suppose I'm aware of the problem, at least.

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(no subject)  
11:22pm 09/03/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Mom has never had a person who loved her unconditionally... except her grandmother I suppose.

Mom is the only person who has loved me unconditionally, and I feel like I'm closer and closer to losing her. It's a horrible feeling.

She has colon cancer and diverticulitis. She hasn't really said how serious it is, just that she doesn't want me to worry.

I keep saying I think it will be okay, but I don't know.

She said she's scared. Moms aren't supposed to be scared.
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bortday relfections  
01:58am 03/03/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
10 years ago I was about to start high school and was pretty excited. I was sad because I had made some great friends in Jr. High for the first time in my life. I was hoping that because I had made some great friends, I would do the same in a high school that was in a different system. I was severely wrong.

It's weird thinking of 15. I was about to discover Gravitation, and I can honestly say homosexuality would take a brand new place in my life from that catalyst. I was realizing there's a lot of things about myself that ... geeze, how do I say this? "Make me different" sounds arrogant like, "look at what a special snowflake I am" but that's not what I mean.

I stand out. I know I stand out, and while I can be an attention whore I don't do it on purpose. There's something about me that doesn't entirely fit into social norms and while I like to simplify that thing into "I'm into geek stuff" I hardly think being odd has anything to do with what you like. Maybe it's the way I see and approach things.

Anyway, when I was 15 this THING made me self-conscious because other kids noticed it too and were mean. I learned to hide and embrace myself quietly and stop giving as much of a fuck about what people thought about me (In a way this was backwards, because the older I get the less I hide myself, but I'm still amazingly self-conscious and don't want people to dislike me for being different).

Once I stopped giving a fuck, the other kids were suddenly okay with me. I got involved in high school drama and would drop out a year later, because fuck high school.

20 years ago I was excited to turn five, and I was excited because I was five years from being in the double digits. My dad still loved me and I was a happy kid.

Now I'm about to join the Navy two years after graduating college, and I'm scared of being raped, or failing at everything I try to do. I'm in a lot of debt and Mom has been getting sick. I'm pretty pessimistic about everything and am not looking forward to much.

I guess I can reflect on this in another 10 years. Hopefully LJ will still be around.
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(no subject)  
03:12am 18/02/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I'm such a hypocrite. I try so hard to be upbeat for people and tell them not to be depressed over dumb stuff, but I'm constantly wanting everything to just stop.

Like I'm the only person who deserves to be miserable. I'm an idiot.
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(no subject)  
12:06pm 30/01/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Russia scraps anti-crime deal with the US

Faced with unprecedented street protests against his 12-year rule, Putin accused the U.S. State Department of staging the protests in order to weaken Russia.

Jesus Christ Putin why are you so delusional.

The Russian definition of treason was also expanded to include potentially any contact with a foreign organization.

Oh dear lord this can't end well."

Syrian refugee surge tests Sweden's welcome
He said the Swedish border police showed sympathy when he confessed that his travel documents were fakes that he had bought for €9,000 ($12,000).
"I'm from Syria. I need help," was all he had to say to gain entry.

Good luck Sweden :(
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(no subject)  
11:56am 23/01/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Just thinking about an interview I read/listened to I have no idea who it was. A writer had been asked if he preferred to write novels or being a journalist.

He responded that the writing couldn't really be compared. Are you a sprinter, or a long-distance runner?

I was just thinking that I've never been able to finish a long, multi-chapter story. Or a long story for that matter. I do alright as a journalist. Clearly I'm a sprinter.

I'd like to go for long-distance eventually... but I don't know what I want to write about.

I feel like my imagination has been whittled away over the years. I just don't have any ideas anymore.

Well, that's not quite true. But I feel like they've lost creativity. Short stories though, are straight and to the point.
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(no subject)  
06:13am 21/01/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Last night I dreamt that CJ, Meghan, a black girl and I were all going to the movies to see the My Little Pony movie (which doesn't exist). After watching it I wanted to go but everyone was doddling. I complained to CJ and told her we needed to go because I had things to do.

She got a little smirky with me, but agreed to go on a ride with me in our two passenger plane.

I knew it was to distract me because the plane would only let us fly as far as the end of the film set. The film set sort of faded into a cloudy oblivion... we talked about how pretty it was.

Eventually I found myself home. I was excited because it would be my last night out before basic.

I was going out with my first boss, Mary Earl, an old friend from school, Christina, and a somewhat chunky woman who I assume was my friend.

I was deciding where to go, and picked Indy's gay bar, The Unicorn, because I wanted to take Christina somewhere raunchy. She was uncomfortable with HOW raunchy this would get, but the rest of us assured her it wouldn't be too bad and we could bar hop later.
I wanted to try and pick up a girl too, but I didn't share that with the others.

So we get to The Unicorn a bit early. There's music from a juke box but the DJ is obviously still setting up.

I get three shots that are on the special for the night while the others mull around and get used to the bar. The chunky girl has a drink when I get back, but Mary looks huffy and is finding a booth to hide our jackets in.

Mary gets fed up with the bad 90s music, and proceeds to get onstage with the DJ and snatch up the microphone. The DJ wasn't happy but he lets her, because she ends up getting the whole bar to sing The Song That Never Ends like from Lamb Chop.
tags: dream
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(no subject)  
06:46am 17/01/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I've been rather down the last few days.

I have that feeling again that everything is changing even though there's no immediate outward indication or evidence. It's that feeling I got when I was expelled from high school; here I'm at a turning point. Decisions must be made. I can go one direction or I can go another.

CJ is getting married, I've been steadily putting Alex behind me. Meghan will be graduating soon, and Mom... I'm worried about her health. I'm afraid her bypass surgery is eventually going to kill her.

Anyway, this is the atmosphere of my life. I'm uncomfortable with it, and it brings me down.
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(no subject)  
01:55am 05/01/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I'm in the Navy. I went though MEPS over the last two days.

I'm an E-3, my MO is HT/hull tech/I'm going to be a welder. I ship out May 15.

I have a contingency plan for getting my apartment packed and quitting my job. I'm more worried about getting the business side of things taken care of than work. If I get shipped out sooner I may not have time to get everything taken care of.

There were some things about MEPS that made me uncomfortable. It's my own damn fault though, I don't feel comfortable going into details online for Reasons.

I had to jump through a lot of hoops because of the arrest four years ago. I was disqualified from some jobs that require top secret security clearance. I'll never be able to work on something that is top secret.

So. That's that. It took about 10 hours from breakfast to being sworn in. I've taken an oath to protect the country.

The physical examination stuff was tedious but I expected it to be. Some of the boys were brats. I was primarily carted around with an Air Force reenlist, Shawna. She was awesome.

I also found an 18-year-old Homestuck, National Guard recruit. We exchanged tumblrs.

I was a bit surprised that many of the people I was around were my age or older. Plenty of high school kids, obviously, but nearly as many who were older than 24. Three were reenlisting.

I'll be able to be in Casey's wedding. I'm very excited.
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(no subject)  
07:38pm 28/12/2012
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I watched Les Miserables with Mom and we both cried. Then we went for Chinese and talked about it.

I've seen The Hobbit twice, once with Meghan and Alex. I enjoyed it both times, and both times I was immensely sad there was not more. But there will be! I'm excited for the second and third parts.

Tonight I'll be going to Alex and Aaron's again for their joint birthday party. I plan to get drunk.

I feel like lately I've been on the "hunt" for a suitable male. It's a weird feeling being conscious of men. That's hasn't happened since...

Well, middle school. I reminded myself a few days ago that I've never been shy about sharing myself. I guess after six years of having a steady source of sex I forgot what it's like to actively want it. I don't know how I feel about this.

Annoyed mostly. I feel like I don't have control over myself.

Ah, speaking of. The emotions have been haywire again. I stopped taking birth control because of bills... I'm probably in a place where I can start again. I should do that. It's been about three or four months.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can't solve all my emotional instability with pills what with bipolar being what it is.

Anyway. I need to finish building this paper. Today is the last day. It's been horrible, paginating, but I'm finally getting the hang of it.
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(no subject)  
07:55pm 24/12/2012
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I'm off tomorrow, but I'm paginating this Christmas Eve.

I'm rather blasé about the whole thing. Christmas and paginating.

Paginating in the sense I mean it, means to put together a newspaper. That's one of my new jobs at the moment.

The best present this year would be to find out if I'm getting into the Navy or not. I've started the whole process. Officially. I need to get some identification stuff together. I of course, became sick two days after talking to the recruiter but I seem to be staving it off with over the counter stuff. I can't run right now, it makes me wheeze.

Editor gave me the present that had been intended for his ex-girlfriend. It's a cute little Scentsi frog with something that smells fruity. It's nice. I feel a little bad taking it, but I believe him when he says he doesn't know anyone else who might want it.

I saw Meghan yesterday. It was nice. I had stayed in Greenwood over the weekend so I could see The Hobbit with Alex (I saw The Hobbit with Meghan the first time). I felt a bit bad for Alex, because people kept ditching him. We went out for Chinese afterwards. I ended up staying the night and there was a nice little house party. Aaron was happy to have people over for once. We played beer pong.

Mom and I are going to see Les Miserables tomorrow. I didn't think about making dinner for us. Ah. Who knows. I wish I could get excited. I think this weekend just wore me out. I probably shouldn't have been out while I'm sick.

Yeah, so that's it. I hope everyone who's celebrating Christmas has a good time.
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