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(no subject)  
07:15pm 13/04/2017
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Announcing this as my final post. I'm in the process of archiving the things I care about. I won't be deleting the journals but given the move to the Russian servers, if they decide to delete these journals I won't attempt to stop them.

It's been a fun ride.
mood: sadsad
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The real ultimate juijitsu was the friendships we made along the way  
08:17am 13/03/2017
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Something I’ve been realizing lately seems pretty obvious: Men need emotional support.

Which, like duh. But hear me out.

Since my friends have married/had life partners (And this isn’t directed at any specific friend. This is NOT a call-out post, you’re all darlings) I’ve noticed their husbands seem to have a hard time reaching out. That is, they have friends of course, but I think friendship between men is different than friendship between women. And my healthiest, longest lasting, and joyous friendships with my friends has always been emotionally supportive and warm. I have a handful of male friends that it’s been the same way, but not nearly as often.

And my friends’ husbands, they don’t seem to get that same warmth from the majority of their male friends. I see it when my girlfriends tell me their worries about their husbands, mostly. Or if I’m visiting and their husbands seem amused and baffled by our open displays of affection. They don’t seem to cope with depression the same way or as well (Again this is no one person).

I’m finding myself making the effort to reach out to them the same way I do for their wives (My dearest of treasures) because, if my friends love these penis-havers then I guess I should too.

I don’t know if this makes me seem arrogant. I don’t know the intricacies of their relationships. Maybe I feel what’s dear to my friends should be dear to me too, which I’m under no obligation, of course. This isn’t some hobby though; these are the people my closest friends have chosen to spend the rest of their lives with. Sometimes those people don’t seem to know how to say “I need validation that my friends love me”. Where, I think that’s easier for women to say and do.

I guess I’m saying I’m trying to be a better person. It’s taken me a while to realize that my friends’ husbands don’t exist in a separate reality. It’s hard to reach out to somebody you don’t know well, but I’ve realized it doesn’t have to be that way. I love the same women they love and our relationships do and don’t existed independently from each other. I will never love my friends’ husbands the way I love my friends, but by virtue of loving my friends I want them to be happy.

I guess I’m also saying I’m trying to not think of these men as “my friends’ husbands” but just more friends. There are varying levels of intimacy though, and I want them to know that I’m there for them just like I’m there for their wives. It’s hard to say that to a man you don’t know extremely well (These aren’t just ANY men). But, I hope they understand through my actions. My heart is open to them, I want to support them and offer validation that they are loved because that’s what friends do.
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(no subject)  
04:00pm 26/02/2017
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I’m not sure it’s because I haven’t felt good for months, if the lack of light from winter+3rd shift has finally gotten to me, or I’m just having a really bad depression flare, maybe all of the above. Additionally I’ve been having anxiety attacks when I’m awake in the day. I mostly get anxiety attacks when I’m sleep deprived or nervous about something. It’s been hard to watch the news lately so I just ... don’t anymore.

I’m trying very hard to hang in there, push through to spring coming but I frequently just want to die. When I express this to someone they just go “me too fam,” essentially, and then plays the “my depression is worse” game and I’m like no. I want to die. I’m getting to the point I can’t take waking up.

Every time ... anything happens I just wish I could be left alone. 3rd shift is making it very hard to be around the people I would socialize with, planning, work schedules etc. I know they care and it’s not their fault but I’m desperately lonely right now. My only regular company is my mom and lately I can’t stand her either. She’s high strung and lately she just makes me jittery. On my own I’m not very high strung, but around her I am because EVERYTHING HAS TO BE DONE NOW IF IT’S NOT EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE.

And I’m just so exhausted all the time. Being sick right now doesn’t help, obviously, but even then I just can’t do anything. I gave up my gym membership because it was between working out while exhausted or sleeping as soon as I got home. And I mean immediately. I walk in the door, take a shower and sleep. Sometimes in the bath. There’s no energy for the gym.

I just want to give up.
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(no subject)  
03:16am 02/01/2017
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
It's been a long year. Here's hoping 2017 is a little better. Happy New Year.

Play List
1. Note to Self - J.Cole
2. Trouble - Cage the Elephant
3. Fire Escape - Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness
4. Mouth - Merril Bainbridge
5. Send My Love (To Your New Lover) - Adele
6. Summertime Sadness - Rizzle Kicks

mood: okayokay
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(no subject)  
05:22pm 17/03/2016
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Today I found out that the two puppies I got from an Amish farm were from the single largest puppy mill in Indiana. We've been having a lot of trouble with our Australian Shepherd puppies being too energetic, and not in a normal "puppy" way. They haven't been learning commands at all, except for the ones we use hourly. With no way to control them verbally, we've had to get very physical, which is not an option for my 63-year-old mother.

I didn't know this until later, but they knocked her over. She just had a major surgery and just can't take that kind of abuse. They jostle me quite a bit, but with a little pushing back they usually fall in line.

The other problem is, without a way to properly expend their energy, they've been highly destructive. I was doing my best to walk them and take them on bike rides, but the winter rain has been constricting.

After finding out they were born in a puppy mill, a lot of behavior makes sense; They're terrified of water spray (Probably from being hosed while confined to crates), and when we got them, Pippin had some trouble walking. He grew out of it quickly, but it was likely from not having crate bottoms and the wires hurting his feet.

The biggest tell though, is that they simply weren't learning. To put it simply, we had two highly autistic, ADD puppies, and weren't able to provide for them. They were excellent problem solvers, but didn't respond to typical discipline and authority.

They're such good dogs. The shelter promised they weren't going to put them down, and we donated a gas card to have them taken to the Aussie Rescue that's in Indianapolis.

I can say with confidence that not only did I do my best, I was over my head, as far as training. I think they will probably get a home not just because they're young, but I loved and worked with them so much that they don't have the typical problems of a puppy mill dog. They get along with other animals just fine, don't have aggression issues, and love humans. I think I gave them what they needed, I just didn't have the energy to give more.

Here's a news article about the Graber Puppy Mill in Indiana.

Be careful who you buy from. We didn't get these dogs from Uncle Bill's, we saw an ad in the paper and thought we were just buying some puppies from a farm. What a wonderful, elaborate, disgusting front. And hiding behind their religion. I'm so angry and sad right now.
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(no subject)  
07:38pm 21/10/2015
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
A lot of things have been taken from me in my lifetime.

My father, due to mental illness. My homes because of money. My friends because of location. My friends due to marriage and life and that people grow apart very steadily until one day you haven't talked to them for five years. My sense of family, security. My physical items during Mom's fits of rage. My happiness, because of my own mental illness. My privacy and sense of ownership. Eventually, my mom, because of her health.

So having an achievement like having completed my time in the military is something that nobody can take away. It's why I feel like such a failure, and why I want to go back. Finishing college was an accomplishment no one else can claim or take away from me. I need to finish my four years for my sake.

I'm not ready to give up.
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(no subject)  
02:46am 04/10/2015
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
This is dumb, but.

I went to Applebee's with a big group of 16. At the end I asked for a pecan blondie to go (I was so full I couldn't possibly eat more).

But, instead a different waitress brought me this lovely display obviously meant to be eaten at the table I felt so terrible, because she was holding it so proudly. Then I told her I had ordered it for take out and her face just pinched in irritation and she said, "We'll take it back." in a flat voice.

I just felt so awful, and I know it's silly because she probably didn't take it personally, but I couldn't possibly eat it.

They ended up taking it off the bill and I about cried. I made an origami heart out of a $20 bill and gave it to our lovely waitress. This was her first time with a large party and she really did a good job. She was so happy she squeaked. I just hope the other people in our group tipped (It was mostly older members of my extended family, and I know old people tend not to tip well, from experience). I didn't want to make a big thing out of it but Mom asked to split the tip with me so I told her what I was leaving.

Also I'm on my period so anything resembling disappointment tends to make me weepy.
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(no subject)  
02:10pm 17/09/2015
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Dreamt that people had discovered how to bring animal characteristics/super powers forth by tapping into latent traits. Mine was turning invisible, although it was more like chameleon camouflage. People could learn multiple traits but they were taught in the form of patches. Certain traits were more complicated - mine was a one patch trait. Pretty easy.

More advanced users had "five patch traits" and that included ... walking through walls, or being able to see what other people's traits were just by looking.

For the most part, these people were suspect because problems started arising, and people who used the patches tended to be from poor communities (which wasn't true because the patches were expensive and complicated). There was this scare that poor people were going to use the abilities to gain power.

Then there was Sid. Who was using his power to "help" people, at least, that's what he wanted the media to say. Sid could control dogs, although I later discovered that extended to other animals, especially cats.

I had been hired to steal a very rare five patch, but was caught midway through. I was still new with my ability so I still had to wear the patch if I wanted to use it. A backfire of the patch is that if you wore it too long it could cause paralysis. So, Sid's technology had sensed me /and/ I was paralyzed in the vault I was stealing from.

Except this old guy came inside, turned off the alarms and left the five patch right on my face (I was still invisible). When I could move there was a note.

I tried to get out of the vault but someone noticed the door opening and sounded the alarm. Cue crazy chase around the city (It seemed like Chicago???) but my opponents were all gang members. Sid was up to something because on top of chasing me around, he started attacking this school with his dogs as a distraction.

And then I woke up. I had a few more dreams but I can't recall them. They were all plot heavy though.
tags: dreams
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Bailey was a good dog  
01:43am 23/07/2015
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
When we got Bailey she was a few weeks old with her black and white-peppered sister, Lucy. Immediately there would be favoritism, with Lucy being the pretty, dainty sister, and Bailey being the too-loud, attention-seeking sister. That isn't to say Lucy wasn't ridiculously stubborn, she was just quieter about it and had everyone fooled who didn't live with her or visit frequently.

Bailey was intended for a close friend, Donita, who had paid her share for the dog, and my mother had agreed to pick both up while on her way to retrieve Lucy.

The dogs wrestled and tumbled the way puppies do, but Mom and I were glad to have a quieter house when Donita came for her. The quiet would soon be rectified with the two cats we would get, Calliope and Cricket, but that's another story.

Fast forward many months or a year, I don't remember, and Donita had obtained a house where her grown daughters and many grandchildren would eventually reside through long and winding circumstances. While Donita was kind and giving to her friends, she wasn't a disciplinarian to children. This was something of which Mom and I were aware, but the fact became pronounced when we visited Donita's new house. We witnessed Donita's oldest grandchild of the youngest daughter, hitting his two-year-old brother with plastic toys without reprimand.

Little, pale-black Levi screaming in terror of his bulky, white older brother wasn't something we could help in a single visit. But, the seven-year-old daughter of one of Donita's other daughters screaming and kicking at Bailey was. Bailey had been caged in the same black wire crate she was placed in when she had been nearly a newborn. Donita had also been denying food, giving her three cups of dog food a day and no more. Bailey was not visibly malnourished, but she was still due to grow and Donita showed no indication of caring that her grandchildren were abusing the sweet-natured dog who couldn't, and wouldn't fight back.

Mom demanded Bailey be returned. Donita was not pleased with this breach in friendship, but admitted she had no time or patience to care for a dog. We retrieved the dog soon after what would be my last visit to Donita's home.

When Bailey entered our household again, she was a mess.

She cowered and was very aware of where our hands were at any given moment. Any sudden movements would prompt her to run under the coffee table or roll onto her back. She would whimper and scream if we pulled at her collar with any amount of force to put her outside. She jumped at sudden noises and especially any raise in voice, no matter how loud. For a short while she would pee if frightened enough, although she quickly learned to control herself.

Her aggression was taken out on Lucy. Once she had free-range of food she consumed and consumed and consumed, refusing to allow Lucy to eat regardless if Bailey had been eating at the time or not.

We guarded Lucy to allow her to eat. Bailey learned that when we were in the room she had to allow Lucy to eat, or get a smack to the nose.

Lucy, who had never had such an opponent for the food bowl didn't know what to do. She rarely fought back with force, and lost a lot of weight the first weeks of Bailey's return. Lucy had always been much smaller than Bailey, who was wide-shouldered with a large rib-cage. Even without a proper diet, Bailey could use her weight to dog-handle Lucy anywhere she wanted.

During their play-fights, Bailey started getting more violent as she gained strength. When we discovered Lucy's ears were bleeding from being chewed, we separated the dogs from their large, shared crate and started monitoring their wrestling.

Things got better.

Although Bailey would flinch for the rest of her life, she stopped hurting Lucy purposely, and Lucy learned to assert herself. Bailey learned to share the food bowl. She never quite learned how to share cuddle space with either me, Mom and Lucy, and the couch would become a war zone if we tried to pet only one dog.

Between two young cats, two young dogs, and a period where we fostered a third cat, the house became a little too lively for my aging mother. I was away at college and wasn't home to help, and we had saved Bailey with the intention of finding her a proper home.

Bailey would be given away to the coworkers of my mother, who had a small daughter.

This ended being the best thing for Bailey.

The marriage ended in flames and spite, but for the period Bailey was the sole pet of the daughter, she was properly trained and put on a proper diet (She had grown very fat). Sometimes we would dog-sit when the family went on vacation. Bailey and Lucy would play in an easy-going way that allowed us to leave them in each other's company.

Despite initial worry that Bailey would harbor animosity toward small children, the daughter and Bailey loved each other deeply and would be the best of friends. It broke my mother's heart when the eventually-divorced couple agreed to return Bailey so there wasn't any fighting over the poor dog. The girl was devastated. There was nothing we could do.

For the first few weeks Bailey was clearly waiting for her old family, but as months passed she re-settled into our home. By then, the cats had long run away, never to be heard from again, and Lucy and Bailey became fat, lazy dogs as the years passed.

Last year, 2014, while I was away in the military, Lucy became very ill. She had been given a heart worm medicine that caused kidney failure. The Dr. Brester at Bean Blossom Animal Clinic hadn't a single clue. By the time Mom realized the cause, Lucy was in the final stages of kidney failure and there was no hope to save her. Everyone mourned Lucy, the pretty, sweet-natured dog who had always been the favorite. Bailey also mourned, but helped Mom get through the worst of heartache by being the happy puppy she'd always been.

This year, 2015, Mom became concerned when Bailey began eating less and less (As noted, she had always been a healthy eater and this was very concerning). Dr. Brester said Bailey had cancer of the mouth, was likely the long-term cause of Bailey's horrible breath and was probably causing her pain to chew hard food. Lab tests would have to be done to be 100% sure, but Dr. Brester is very knowledgeable and experienced, and he said he had seen Bailey's ailment before.

Bailey initially seemed mostly fine, but mere weeks after her diagnoses, she began eating even less, losing weight rapidly. She could eat soft food and happily accepted eggs until her final days. She couldn't keep the food down and began vomiting frequently, only drinking little sips of water. She began trembling in pain, unwilling to move very much except for short walks to use the bathroom before she became exhausted and collapsed.

When we took her back to Dr. Brester, Mom said she didn't want Bailey to suffer the way Lucy had, and we had Bailey put down. We held her and whispered to her in her final moments, and I hope that she understood we didn't want her to be scared and that we loved her.
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(no subject)  
06:22pm 18/04/2015
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Track List

01. Needing/Getting - Ok Go
02. Bullet - Hollywood Undead
03. Acid Rain - Robert Delong
04. You're the One that I Want - Lo-Fang
05. Ribs - Lorde
06. I Do Adore - Mindy Glendell
07. Riptide - Vance Joy
08. My Body - Volbeat
09. Bad Apple! - Rockleetist / Ashe english cover
10. Stolen Dance - Milky Chance
11. Mac n' Cheese - sssShawnnnn
12. The End of All Things - Panic! At the Disco
13. Timber - Ke$ha/Pitbull
14. Shake it Off - Taylor Swift
15. Genesis - Forgive Durden
16. Come and Get It - Selena Gomez
17. Kill Your Heroes - Awolnation
18. Can't Repeat - The Offspring
19. Half-Truism - The Offspring
20. Spitting Venom - Modest Mouse
21. Flashbacks - J Lima Foxtrot
22. Far Too Young to Die - Panic! At the Disco
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(no subject)  
02:22am 28/03/2015
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I'm out of the Navy now. It's been two years. I'm out on medical discharge.

Now I'm crashing on my Mom's couch, waiting for something amazing to happen.

Christ, I'm 27.

I don't feel like I've grown at all. I'm making tentative plans to go back to school. We'll see how that goes.

Today I made apple, mango chicken with spinach and green onion. It was very good.
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05:54pm 13/12/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Woman is taking care of this girl, but in a very possessive, controlling way. The woman has been murdering well-dressed passerby for their clothes. Often she'll rape the victims in front of the girl.

The woman disposes of the bodies by cutting them into bits, grinding them and feeding them to the pigs. The bits she can't grind she puts in a hay baler.

There's a scene where she's asking a neighboring farmer how the baler works, telling him she's deciding if she's fit enough to grow hay. The pallet he's baling onto can read weight, and he stops to check. He's confused because the pallet reads as having a person standing on it. The farmers shrug out off as a glitch.

The girl finally makes a friend. The friend picks up on what's happening but doesn't say anything. The woman eventually realizes she knows and almost kills her, but the "daughter" is pregnant. The woman tells the girl she won't kill her it she successfully delivers the baby.

The girl does and is let go.

Fucked dream, I dunno.
tags: dreams
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(no subject)  
10:12pm 20/10/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Afraid things have not got much better.

On top of the depression I came home to buy a car, then a week later it was wrecked.

So I'm on my way back to Virginia without a car. There's not a lot to talk about otherwise.

I miss LJ. And having real life friends.
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(no subject)  
01:05pm 28/07/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
So. I've been sent to a ship and four months later I'm being sent home for a meltdown.

We've had a suicide, two attempted suicides, a pregnancy and myself being sent home for mental care. This ship is poisonous and keep hearing the same thing over and over, that it' the worst command.

So, I'm in Djibouti, Africa right now. We're leaving in a couple of days after two weeks. The base is on liberty lock down because of Somalian terrorist attacks so I haven't actually seen anything interesting.

The cool part of leaving the ship (Like, an actual fighty boat ship on the water) was the boat ride to the oiler ship. Oilers are super nice because they're ran by civilians even though they're owned by the Navy. Well, not all oilers. This oiler.

I was lowered about 30 feet into the ocean on what can be described as a life raft with an engine. Immediately the water was harsh, rocking and tossing the raft violently. I had to hold on a metal handle for dear life. But I could handle it at that point. Yes.

After the other passengers climbed from the ship onto the raft, we took off. What had been jerky waves felt like I was on a roller coaster. We were sent flying off five-foot swells, landing with a heavy flop and getting salt water in the face.

I screamed a couple of times.

I wish I could even properly describe how this felt. It was actually a lot of fun once I got used to it. After about 20 minutes I started getting motion sick.

We finally reached the oiler, and a rope ladder was thrown over the side for us to climb. The others shimmied right on up, then came my turn.

Again, I can't describe this. I had to be thrown onto the ladder because the swells would make it a good three-foot climb when the water sank. Once I was holding onto the ladder though, I realized that every movement sent the ladder swinging outward, away from the body of the ship

I was terrified.

I've never felt so heavy. It took me a good 10 minutes to climb 10 feet. I had remained reasonably dry on the boat until I was on that ladder, getting hit with waves directly and swinging with the imminent threat that I was going to fall into a body of water and immediately be dragged underneath.

Anyway. I got my own stateroom on the oiler, which was kind of rad. Staterooms are normally for officers. The food was pretty good too.

Then my escort and I found out that while the others were getting civilian flights as soon as we arrived in Djibouti, we were going to have to wait two weeks.

Thus another turd on the shitpile that I've experienced being in the military. Sigh.

For more important updates: I'm in the South Park fandom now ahahahahah.
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(no subject)  
10:15pm 12/05/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Currently about to get off leave. I've been visiting Mom for the last few days. Really, it's been quite pleasant.

About to go on a nine-month deployment. I could go on about some things but I don't have much energy for it. Most of my updates are through twitter. This journal is almost becoming inert (baww).
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(no subject)  
05:55am 24/02/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Dreamt last night that My Chemical Romance was giving a farewell concert called Welcome to the Black Parade: Truth in Death, or Speak the Truth, something like that.

People were so upset that someone stalked Gerard Way and murdered him. It was pretty gross too; The person (a man?) bashed him over the head with a shovel. The authorities caught on quickly though, so he had to abandon burying the body. The body was never found.

Fast forward 20 years - Gerard was so shocked that he's been wandering the earth in a daze, knowing something's wrong but no aware that he's dead. He wandered randomly; He ends up in a hospital in a Vietnamese community.

There was a pregnant woman asking for vinegar and milk, but she had to be rushed out because she was about to lose the baby but the hospital didn't have the facilities for a Caesarean section. She kept going on about how she wanted to save the baby under no circumstances, but she REALLY wanted vinegar and milk.

So Gerard's wandering around this hospital and runs into an older woman (Skinny, short, grey hair. Still kind of attractive despite easily being 60. We'll call her "Ellen" because she sort of looked like Ellen DeGeneres). She must have thought Gerard was a crack addict or something because they bump into each other and she just starts fucking with him. Like, going on about how she wants to sleep with him and is love with him. Gerard almost falls for it (This is how completely out of it he was; It was an extremely obvious ploy and rather cruel of her), until he realizes she's being a bitch and leaves.

Ellen has a good laugh, but realizes Gerard is nowhere in sight and left a light blue plasma trail when he left. She curses and starts trying to figure out who he was. Turns out she was like, one of those psychics police sometimes ask for, but she mostly tried to work alone.

Ellen had two male partners. They had found a 6-foot shallow grave with satellites and were trying to dig it up but hadn't been able to find it. Ellen shows up and her partners are getting frustrated and she just says, "Give it a second, I think I found -- oh, hello Gerard."

And lo, Gerard has appeared. The two men can't see him and one seems slightly more doubtful than the other (The doubtful one looked like Soos from Gravity Falls). Ellen keeps talking to Gerard, asking about the farewell concert. Gerard is intensely confused though and isn't really responding, just putting it together that he's at a gravesite. Ellen's watching him inspect the area and tells him that this is probably where he died. He's starting to vaguely remember.

Ellen asks him if he had stayed and watched the murder - it's probably why he's so confused. Gerard kind of freaks out then and grabs a shovel and starts unearthing a patch completely off the mark of the site. Sure enough, there's the body still wrapped in sheets and not very well-buried. Gerard isn't really understanding that it's him though and is just more upset.

Ellen says something must be more wrong because Gerard is a poltergeist, and Soos is kind of freaking out over this floating shovel (Which finally convinces him that this is real).

tags: dream
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(no subject)  
02:05pm 15/02/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Dreamt that Mom and I were on a beach and I fell asleep. When I woke Mom was panicking about something, and I was like, "Mom, calm down," but when I looked, the entire area was flooded. Like, to the roofs. I'm not sure how our little segment of beach wasn't flooded but it wasn't.

We decided we needed to get back to our house, but we were going to have to swim. We managed to make our way by crossing over the closer roofs, which is good because the water was filled with debris.

We got to our house but it was flooded and nothing was salvageable. Mom was worried about the dogs but there was nothing to be done. We could see further uphill wasn't flooded, but it was at least a couple of miles. For some reason the current was going uphill so I suggested we find something to float on and swim our way up. We were worried about sewage and debris and hesitated.

Then this family comes floating by and they're like, "We're going the same way, get on our pile. Right now all the water is pool water so it'll be fine for a while."

The current at some point goes in the wrong direction, so the family's really huge son has to grab onto a plank of wood embedded in the water to swing us around. It was very cartoonish. We all kind of bicker about how to change directions while the son is holding on for dear life and he's like, "Guys. The wood's breaking. What are we doing. Guys."

Then the dream changed. It was about Elsa and her mother (from Frozen), but they looked extremely similar to each other. In the dream they lived in an underwater castle. Elsa was magic and could curse people but chose to use her ice powers instead (I got that from Warrior U, I know I did). It turned out her mother was actually insane and was trying to kill her for ... a reason that I can't remember. They had been banished to the castle because they looked so alike, people were afraid Elsa would be the same as her mother.

Elsa and her mother were trying to navigate the flood but end up fighting. Elsa's mother locked Elsa in a room that was easy enough to get out of but Elsa didn't know where she was. Elsa's friends were waiting for her above the water, but the mother disguised herself to look like her daughter. Elsa's friends looked like South Park characters ... namely Kenny and Kyle. Kenny was suspicious but was killed before he could say anything. Stan catches on when he realizes it was Elsa's mother who killed Kenny and is like, "WE HAVE TO SAVE ELSA" and Kyle is like, "Sure, but how are we gonna get to her?"

There's still this massive flood. Elsa's mother laughs at their efforts but doesn't kill them because they're probably going to die anyway.

There was more to this dream but I just can't remember it. Like, an actual build-up to Elsa and her mother. Her mother had an actual neurological disorder that made her act erratically or something. I dunno. It was interesting.
tags: dreams
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(no subject)  
07:48pm 01/02/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Last night started with me mopily eating a hamburger and drinking a beer. A fellow sat with me at Pier 525 (Our base restaurant/bar) and we chatted a bit. Turns out he's in the barracks at which I'm the yeoman.

Anyway, I felt a little awkward so I finished my beer and went to the bar where I proceeded to drink two double-shots of rum and Coke, and a firebomb shot. I ate popcorn and texted my friends while I drank, trying to find someone to hang out with for the night. Turns out Nieves and Leon left last week, ruining my last chances to hang out with them. Leon revealed to me that he had been flirting and I told him "I'm oblivious to people's sexual advances until you're like, slapping me in the face with your dick."

Well. Now we know. I liked Leon but now he's in Virginia. Sigh.

Anway, I called Ari and was like "HAY GIRL I BEEN DRINKIN WANNA DRINK WIT ME" and she was like "lol no but we're going dancing later wanna come?" and I was like "HELL YEH GIRL call me whenever."

Ari and I had a long night and it was awesome.Collapse )
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(no subject)  
01:47am 25/01/2014
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Hrm. I guess it's been two months since I last made a proper post. Here, anyway. I've been active daily over on tumblr. Actually, I just made a post over there lamenting the fact no one uses LJ anymore.

I'm still on hold at Great Lakes, and I've been yeoman over at the Hagl for three months. I graduated Hull Technician school Oct. 30, but I'm still on hold. They're telling me it's because of my student loans I'm not able to get a security clearance. It's been five months since I've been fucking with this. I'm calling bullshit.

There hasn't been much else going on. I went to a BDSM munch, which was interesting because I was nervous. Also I got lost in Chicago for four hours which was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, like wow.

Back in November, I officially moved fandoms. It only took five years, but I've been in the South Park fandom again and am having fun. I still like Hetalia, but Shingeki no Kyojin takes a long time to update, and Hetalia has ... well, I still like the history jokes when people make them, but it's just quieted down considerably.

So I just kind of dick around. This is my life in the military. I need to start studying for my advancement test in March. March will be a big month, I think:

  • Stick of Truth is coming out

  • I'll be 26

  • Advancement test to get a higher rank

  • Physical Requirement Test (PRT)

  • I think I'll be getting a new tattoo, from a commission from this guy.

A $250 commission. I'm actually extremely excited.

I need to lose 10-20 lbs again. I got fat because I got pneumonia and didn't work out but still ate like a pig. This needs to happen by PRT time.

So. Yeah. Not a lot going on. Mom's been whiny lately. I'm trying to be patient. I don't know what she's going to do when I'm not only four hours away and my cellphone won't work most of the time.

Actually there's been a little angst about that; I called her bullshit on wishing I was home. She went on to tell me that she always told me I needed to leave because she thought I might be happier living somewhere else.

She's been telling me to leave the house since I was 10.

"What makes you think that there was any difference when you said this to a 10-year-old and when you said it to a 23-year-old? It was the same, Mom. You were telling me you didn't want me around. How am I supposed to differentiate, and now you keep saying how you miss me and want me around? This is really confusing for me."

She gave me some bullshit and I just let it go. Not really. I'm sort of bitter because it's just so stupid. I've never thought my mother was stupid, but that was so fucking stupid.

Anyway. See ya around.
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Matty's Adventures In the Fur Fandom  
07:47pm 24/11/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I went to a furry convention this weekend (MWFF)!

Disclaimer: I'm not actually a furry, but I really like fandoms, and I've enjoyed furry stuff in the past, so a convention wasn't that large of a leap.

There's not much to say other than furries know how to party like wow so much drinking. Very alcohol. Much drunk.

Also, furries are way over-sexed, and I felt like I was at a gay pride festival. I told Kiniel, "Man, if I were a twink I'd get all the sex I'd want but .... I'm not."

He laughed and said, "I don't know if I should apologize for that or not."

I shouldn't complain though because I had half a hook up, but we were both pretty drunk and ... well, we messed around in the bathroom while someone was in the shower puking (Which turned out to be Crackers) ... which makes an interesting story, but wasn't exactly a good time be horny.

I was welcomed into Kiniel's group of friends, and he commented several times he was glad that I fit in, despite not being a furry.

I chose a skunk as my fursona. She's very cute. CJ drew her for me.

I also got to wear a partial fursuit which was certainly an experience. It smells funny in the head, but the hand-paws are fun to play with and I like being able to choose if it's a speaking-character or not. It's surprisingly easy to convey emotions without talking, because your gestures are so exaggerated due to the largeness of the suit.

I'm extremely upset that I lost a picture in the art auction that was supposed to be a present for Meghan. It was an original of two praying mantises having a tea party, and the female mantis was eating the male's head. I told Meghan about it and she LOVED the idea, which made it like, 100% worse that I lost the bid. It went from $15 to $30 though, and I didn't want to spend more than $20. I ended up buying Meghan a cat sticker and a fox plushie.

I guess my only real complaint for the weekend is that the area was expensive as hell, mainly food. Good food, but still expensive.

So I would totally go to another con, and look forward to it. I'm seriously considering buying a partial fursuit, but it'll have to wait a few years. Until then, I'll settle for commissioning name badges and borrowing people's heads.
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I'm angry. Like. In a deeply rooted, righteous way.  
06:50pm 02/11/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
It wouldn't be so bad if the complete lack of respect show toward me hadn't happened three separate, unrelated instances. Part of me is like, "Well, I didn't say NO hard enough. I didn't speak up." but the thing is I did.

I remembered that I'm experiencing the typical reaction of victim self-blaming and realized it's okay for me to be angry.

So. I've had two hook-ups and a train ride experience. I've learned. I can't let men get away with being pushy and demanding and completely disrespecting me.

I had to learn through three violations but now I REALLY understand how little men respect women, however subtle their actions may be.Collapse )
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11:11pm 07/10/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Today I cut a flange during HT/welding/torch class. It looked like crap but it's my first one. The sides mostly looked right it was just messy and uneven.

Chief: Yeah?
Me: *points to the poor abused metal that is my flange* So... what exactly are you looking for here? Because this is beyond...
Chief: *observes the pathetic melted mess of metal* *grins* Well I'm looking for a flange.
Me: *laughing* Something that looks like flange?

He proceeded to tell me that I was using the wrong file and my holes just needed to be able to fit over the dummy flange.

It's been a rough couple of weeks emotionally. I'm just tired of the military environment. Every day has its own challenges I guess.

I kind of go nuts during watches. I always have the midnight watches so I can sing and dance to my heart's content to keep from going insane.

I've never been so dependent on music to get me through the days. Most of the time I'm mentally in left field, ignoring my surroundings.

I told Meghan today I think my 'real' personality has been coming out more than it usually does out of the desperation not to feel so suppressed. In a way, it's a good filter for people because people either find me obnoxious or funny.

I've never been told I'm funny so many times in my life.

There's stuff with the government shutdown but I don't feel like getting into it.

If you're ready come and get it
na na na na na, na na na na na

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(no subject)  
10:10pm 09/09/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I'm into Attack on Titan the way I was into Fullmetal Alchemist so many years ago... but the whole fandom is on tumblr and that makes me sad :(
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(no subject)  
12:49am 31/08/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
More Boot Camp People

I left Indiana with Bau and Benjamin, went to the same division, and graduated with them. Bau was one of the people I latched onto and we were okay "friends" during our time together. I think I actually liked Benjamin better, but we didn't talk a lot until the end.

Bau was from the rougher parts of Indianapolis.Collapse )
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Guess what I did  
11:43am 27/07/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic

This actually wasn't what I wanted for my first tattoo, but the other one needs some tweaking because of the way the image will look on my skin.

More about people from the Navy

My current roommates are Price, Albaverauribe (Alba for short, pronounced "Alba-vera-you-ree-beh"), and Meoli, who graduated yesterday and is now gone.

My opinions on all of them have basically reversed since I've lived with them. Initially I found Alba to be the most annoying, Meoli the most helpful, and Price the most personable.

People! So many people.Collapse )
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In the Navy (obvious joke here)  
04:34pm 24/07/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
So I've been out of boot camp for 12 days and I'm settling into A-school life. I'll be here for at least four months, because I've been put on hold for three weeks, and expect to be on hold again at some point.

I kept a journal for six weeks about boot camp life. Alex read it, saying he wished there was more "day to day" stuff but there wasn't much to talk about.

All in all it was a lot easier than anticipated. Still, it was about what I expected, but much more relaxed than I ever imagined. At the same time, life was restrictive; we had to ask for everything, except when our RDCs (Recruit Division Commanders) yelled at us to do things our damn selves.

I befriended a few people, but most of us have gone our separate ways for school. We are all in "student" status.

I had two bunkmates during boot camp; My first was Shelby Milsap, or just "Milsap" (Geeze, it feels weird calling her by her first name).

Whether or not she's a lesbian is still up for debate, but she had something hot and heavy with Miller, or maybe they were just good friends, I'm still unsure.

People are people and that's still okay [sometimes]Collapse )
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In the Navy  
03:05am 12/05/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
I'll be leaving for Navy boot camp in three days.

I'm nervous and excited as all hell.

So, not that there's anyone really on LJ anymore, but I won't be around for the next two months.

Wish me luck and stuff. Maybe I'll try to write an account of boot camp afterwards.

I just hope everything works out the way I want it t.
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(no subject)  
04:45pm 03/04/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic

Coworker was just saying to me, "You joined the locker room," referring that I'm in on their slightly more inappropriate work jokes.

I said, "That's how it's always been. I've always been one of the boys. As a general rule I don't understand women and their interests. My girlfriends; Just like me."

Then I backpedaled in my head in thought, 'Gosh that was awfully sexist of you.'

But it's true. The older women in my family seem to have two interests: Talking shit about people, and sewing/homemaking hobbies.

I like sewing but it's too easy for me.

Most of the females in my life seem to take great pleasure in gossiping and being in the middle of dramatics. Actually, moving to this rural community, the women I've met have been the least dramatic, mean and gossipy I've ever met. I'm also an outsider and they're probably not inclined to drag me into their personal lives unless I made the effort to be more personal.

So that's my experience with women: Hobbies I'm not extremely interested in, and meanness.

My best girlfriends have similar hobbies to mine (gaming, writing, art, fantasy in some capacity) or are at least not malicious (Because I've been good friends with people of whom I shouldn't be interested, by all accounts).

I have a hard time breaking down "I'm like this because" and "I'm friends with these people because" because I tend to fall onto gender stereotypes. I suppose I'm aware of the problem, at least.

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(no subject)  
11:22pm 09/03/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
Mom has never had a person who loved her unconditionally... except her grandmother I suppose.

Mom is the only person who has loved me unconditionally, and I feel like I'm closer and closer to losing her. It's a horrible feeling.

She has colon cancer and diverticulitis. She hasn't really said how serious it is, just that she doesn't want me to worry.

I keep saying I think it will be okay, but I don't know.

She said she's scared. Moms aren't supposed to be scared.
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bortday relfections  
01:58am 03/03/2013
Still Naive, Not Photogenic
10 years ago I was about to start high school and was pretty excited. I was sad because I had made some great friends in Jr. High for the first time in my life. I was hoping that because I had made some great friends, I would do the same in a high school that was in a different system. I was severely wrong.

It's weird thinking of 15. I was about to discover Gravitation, and I can honestly say homosexuality would take a brand new place in my life from that catalyst. I was realizing there's a lot of things about myself that ... geeze, how do I say this? "Make me different" sounds arrogant like, "look at what a special snowflake I am" but that's not what I mean.

I stand out. I know I stand out, and while I can be an attention whore I don't do it on purpose. There's something about me that doesn't entirely fit into social norms and while I like to simplify that thing into "I'm into geek stuff" I hardly think being odd has anything to do with what you like. Maybe it's the way I see and approach things.

Anyway, when I was 15 this THING made me self-conscious because other kids noticed it too and were mean. I learned to hide and embrace myself quietly and stop giving as much of a fuck about what people thought about me (In a way this was backwards, because the older I get the less I hide myself, but I'm still amazingly self-conscious and don't want people to dislike me for being different).

Once I stopped giving a fuck, the other kids were suddenly okay with me. I got involved in high school drama and would drop out a year later, because fuck high school.

20 years ago I was excited to turn five, and I was excited because I was five years from being in the double digits. My dad still loved me and I was a happy kid.

Now I'm about to join the Navy two years after graduating college, and I'm scared of being raped, or failing at everything I try to do. I'm in a lot of debt and Mom has been getting sick. I'm pretty pessimistic about everything and am not looking forward to much.

I guess I can reflect on this in another 10 years. Hopefully LJ will still be around.
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